The Truth About Sibling Fighting
Sibling fighting is normal. It's not a sign that you're doing something wrong as a parent. When your kids argue and compete, they're actually learning important life skills like how to:
- Work out problems with other people
- Handle big emotions
- Stand up for themselves
- Share and take turns
Your job isn't to stop all fighting. Your job is to help your kids learn better ways to handle conflict.
Why Do Siblings Fight?
Every child needs to feel:
- Loved and connected to their parents
- Special and unique in the family
- Fair treatment from mom and dad
- Secure in their place in the family
When kids worry about these things, fighting starts. Remember: Your child isn't trying to be mean—they're trying to tell you they need something.
As Raelee Peirce, Poppins Parent Coach, explains: "The power of positive intent changes everything. When we assume our children are trying to meet a legitimate need rather than just being difficult, we stop asking 'Who's to blame?' and start asking 'What skills do they need to learn?'"
Think positive intent: Instead of "She's being mean to her brother," try "She's upset about something and doesn't know how to say it the right way."
What's Normal at Different Ages
Little Kids (0-5 years)
- Big brother or sister feels pushed out when baby comes
- Can't use words for big feelings, so they act out instead
- Might go back to baby behaviors (wetting pants, baby talk)
- Hit or push because they can't say "I'm mad"
- Have trouble sharing because their brain isn't ready yet
School Kids (6-12 years)
- Start comparing: "She got more!" "That's not fair!"
- Want to be good at different things than their sibling
- Can use words more but still get physical when really upset
- Care a lot about fairness and rules
- Start picking sides and leaving siblings out
Teenagers (13+ years)
- Want to be totally different from their siblings
- Fight for more freedom and privileges
- Old fighting patterns can get stronger or finally get better
When Kids Are Different From Each Other
The Reality:
Brothers and sisters share about half the same genes. This means they naturally have different:
- Strengths and weaknesses
- Personalities
- Interests
- Ways of learning
Don't pretend differences don't exist—your kids can see them! Instead:
- Talk about differences like they're normal (because they are)
- Help each child find what they're good at
- Teach that working hard matters more than being naturally good at something
- Show that everyone learns at their own speed
What to say:
- "Being good at something right away is just the starting point. What you do with practice is what really counts."
- "Sometimes the things we have to work hardest for feel the best when we finally get them."
- "Your brain gets stronger when you keep trying, even when it's hard."
How to Handle Fighting
Step 1: Stay Calm and Remember Positive Intent
- Walk over to your kids
- Take a deep breath and remind yourself: "They're not trying to be difficult—they need help with something"
- Put your hands gently on both children
- Say: "I'm here now. I can help."
- Think: "What do they need right now?" instead of "How do I stop this?"
"This shift moves us from being referees to being coaches. Instead of spending our energy figuring out who started it, we invest in teaching them how to handle conflict better next time," says Raelee Peirce, Poppins Parent Coach.
Step 2: Don't Pick Sides—See Both Children's Needs
- "You're both upset. I can see this is hard."
- Remember: Both children have a good reason for being upset, even if their behavior isn't good
- Don't try to figure out who started it or who's right
- Think: "What is each child trying to tell me they need?"
Step 3: Let Both Kids Share Their Experience
- "Let's hear from both of you."
- Flip a coin to see who goes first if needed
- "Jake, tell me what happened. Sarah, you'll get your turn."
- Listen like a detective trying to understand what each child really needs
- Believe that each child's feelings make sense to them, even if their actions were wrong
Step 4: Help Them Fix It with Understanding
- "What's one way we could solve this that works for both of you?"
- "I can see you both wanted something important. How can we make this work?"
- Help them see each other's positive intent: "Jake, it sounds like Sarah really wanted to play with you. Sarah, it sounds like Jake needed some space."
- Let them come up with ideas while you guide them
What NOT to do:
- Don't say "Stop fighting!" and walk away
- Don't decide who's the "bad guy"
- Don't make them say sorry if they don't mean it
- Don't give long lectures when they're upset
"When children feel understood rather than judged, they're much more willing to learn new ways of treating each other. Positive intent isn't about excusing bad behavior—it's about seeing the child behind the behavior and helping them grow," says Raelee Peirce, Poppins Parent Coach.
When One Child Always Picks on the Other
Talk to the picking child alone:
- "It seems like your sister is really frustrating for you."
- Just listen. Don't give advice right away.
- "It must be hard not being the baby anymore."
- Let them share their feelings, even if they seem mean
- Then say: "I still expect you to be kind to your sister. That's our family rule. But you can always tell me when you're upset."
For the child who gets picked on:
- Help them first when they're hurt
- Don't lecture the other child right then
- Later, work with both kids to prevent it from happening again
- Make sure this child gets special time with you too
Daily Things That Help
Prevent Problems:
- Spend one-on-one time with each child every day
- Notice when they're being nice: "I saw you help your brother!"
- Have clear family rules about being kind
- Make sure kids aren't too hungry, tired, or bored
When They Have to Share:
- Never force sharing—it makes kids want to share less
- Say: "When you're done, your sister can have a turn"
- Help them trade toys instead of just taking them away
- Say: "It's hard to wait. Waiting is tough."
What to Say in Common Situations
When a new baby comes:
- "Having a new baby is a big change. It's okay to feel confused about it."
- "You're still my special big kid. Let's find some time just for us."
When they compete:
- "You each have different things you're good at. That makes our family special."
- "I love watching both of you, no matter who wins."
When they say "It's not fair!":
- "Fair doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need."
- "I make different rules for different ages."
When they're really angry:
- "You're super mad right now. That's okay. Let's figure out what to do about it."
- "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hurt people."
Building Good Relationships Between Siblings
Create fun together:
- Family game nights
- Cooking projects they can do together
- Silly dance parties
- Special sibling adventures
Help them see the good in each other:
- Tell Jake something nice Sarah said about him
- Point out when they help each other
- Take pictures of them having fun together
Make sure each child feels special:
- Tell each child: "I'm so glad you're my kid"
- Let each child have their own interests
- Don't compare them to each other
When to Get Help
Call a counselor or parent coach if:
- Fighting is getting dangerous
- One child is always mean or cruel
- You feel overwhelmed most of the time
- Nothing you try seems to help
The Big Picture
Remember:
- Sibling fighting is practice for handling relationships their whole life
- Brothers and sisters often become close friends as adults, even if they fought as kids
- Every fight is a chance for them to learn something new
- You don't have to be perfect—just caring and consistent
Your goal: Help your kids learn to work out problems and treat each other with kindness. This takes time, but it's worth it.
Most important: Behind every difficult behavior is a child who needs something. When we try to understand what they need instead of just stopping the behavior, we help them grow into kinder, stronger people.
Every family is different. Trust yourself, stay calm, and remember that learning to get along with siblings is one of the most important skills your children will ever develop. For more strategies (and a dose of sanity), Poppins is here to help.
