How Everyday Slip-Ups Can Lead to Alienating Behaviors — And How to Stop Them Early

You're tired. Someone forgot to pack the water bottle again. And before you can stop yourself:

"Of course he forgot. Classic."

Or maybe it's not words at all. Just a look. A tight smile when your kid mentions something Dad did. A quick subject change when they bring up Mom.

These moments are human. They're understandable. And they happen in every family.

But here's the thing children are really, really good at picking up on these: they notice when one parent feels negatively about the other.

And when those moments add up over time, they start to shape the story your child tells themselves about their family — and about themselves.

What This Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Most of this isn't dramatic. It lives in the small stuff:

The tone. How you say "Go ask your dad" versus how you say anything else.

The commentary. Little asides that feel harmless to you but land differently for your kid: "Mom always works late." "Dad never remembers anything." "Well, you know how she is."

The spillover. Venting to a friend while your kid plays nearby. Frustrated conversations about schedules or responsibilities that carry more edge than you realize. Reactions you didn't know were visible.

The silence. Not asking about their day with the other parent. Changing the subject when they mention something positive. Going a little quiet when they're excited about time with Mom or Dad.

You might not realize how much these moments register. But your child is reading the room constantly, and they're incredibly fluent in subtext.

Why Kids Take This So Personally

Here's what makes this tricky: Kids are wired for loyalty. Even mild tension between parents can make a child feel like they need to pick a side, keep the peace, or edit what they share depending on who's listening.

You might see it show up as:

• Hesitating before talking about Mom or Dad
• Looking to you for approval before sharing something positive
• Suddenly using language that sounds too adult for their age: "Mom works all the time" or "Dad never remembers the school schedule"
• Getting anxious or defensive when one parent is mentioned
• Downplaying their own needs or feelings to avoid conflict

This isn't defiance. It's a kid trying to navigate an emotional environment that feels a little unpredictable.

When Everyday Moments Become a Pattern

Most families live in the space we just described. Small moments, human reactions, occasional tension. It's manageable. It's fixable.

But if those patterns continue unchecked — if a child consistently absorbs the message that one parent is "less than" or unsafe to talk about — it can shift into something more serious.This is called parental alienation. 

Parental alienation is when one parent intentionally or continuously influences a child to reject the other parent. This is not to be confused with parietal preference. 

According to Psychology Today, parental alienation is when a child rejects a parent "without legitimate reason," often because they've absorbed exaggerated or distorted messages over time. In more severe cases, a child might refuse to see a parent altogether, express intense fear or hatred that doesn't match their actual experiences, or show no ambivalence — only negative feelings — toward a parent they once had a healthy relationship with. Organizations like SharedParenting.org describe it as a spectrum — starting with mild, everyday behaviors and, in extreme cases, escalating to deeper estrangement.

The earlier you notice the pattern, the easier it is to shift.

How to Tell If These Patterns Are Starting to Show Up

You don't need red flags. The signs are usually quiet:

• Your child checks your face before mentioning the other parent
• They stop sharing stories about time with Mom or Dad
• You catch yourself making small comments you wish you could take back
• You feel tension creep into conversations about the other parent
• Your child seems more anxious or careful when both parents are around

If any of that feels familiar, it doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're paying attention. And that's exactly where change starts.

What to Say to Your Child

Kids don't need a big conversation. They need simple, steady reassurance:

"You never have to choose between us."

"You can talk to me about Mom/Dad anytime"

"Sometimes adults disagree, but that has nothing to do with your relationship with either of us."

"You're not responsible for my feelings. That's my job."

Dr. Chloe Massey, Poppins Parent Coach Advisor says to “Remember, kids need to feel safe and secure. It's ok (and encouraged) for them to know that you have emotions too - we don't want them thinking we're robots. But in these moments, they need your steady presence. Keep the conversation brief and the explanations age appropriate."

Then back it up with your tone, your face, your consistency. Children don't need perfection. They need to feel safe loving both parents.

How to Talk to Your Co-Parent

This doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. Frame it around what you both want for your kid:

"I've been thinking about how we talk about each other around [child's name]. I don't want us accidentally painting a negative picture of either of us — because I think that affects how they see themselves. Can we be more mindful about that?"

Keep it focused on:

• One concrete example
• How your child might be internalizing it
• What you can both do differently moving forward

When the conversation stays on the child, it's a lot easier to keep it collaborative.

When You Need Help

Sometimes patterns get too ingrained, even when everyone's trying to change them. That's when it's time to bring in a third party.

Parent coaches — like the ones at Poppins — help families spot early patterns, understand what kids are feeling, and adjust before things get heavier. It's practical, it's judgment-free, and it's designed for exactly this kind of moment.

Family therapists can help if communication between parents feels too charged to navigate alone. Child therapists give kids a neutral space to process without worrying about managing adult feelings.

Getting support isn't a sign something's broken. It's proof you care about your family.

The Bottom Line

These patterns usually start with stress, not intention. Which means they're fixable.

When you notice early, adjust your tone, and offer steady reassurance, kids relax. They stop scanning the room before they speak. They feel safe again.

If you saw yourself in any of this, that's not failure. That's awareness. And awareness is the whole opening.

Poppins Parent Coaches are here — with practical tools, zero judgment, and a lot of experience helping families get unstuck.

Your kid deserves to feel free. And you and your co-parent deserve support while you figure this out together.

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