Supporting Kids Through Big Emotions: Your Job Isn't to Fix Everything

Let's start with a reality check. Picture this: You've had the absolute worst day. Your boss was unreasonable, traffic was a nightmare, and you're completely overwhelmed. You walk through the door and share your frustration with your partner, who immediately responds with, "Don't be upset! Just think positive!"

How's that landing? Makes you want to launch something across the room, right?

Yet somehow, when our kids are drowning in big emotions, we pull out the exact same playbook: "Don't cry!" "You're okay!" "It's not a big deal!" We mean well, but the impact is the opposite of what we intend.

Here's what's actually happening: our parental instinct to "fix" everything backfires spectacularly. We think we're helping, but we're teaching our children that their feelings are inconvenient, wrong, or simply too much for us to handle.

Your role isn't to eliminate emotions—it's to support your child through them. There's a world of difference between the two, and understanding that distinction changes everything.

Stop Trying to Fix Everything

Let's establish something fundamental: emotions aren't broken, so they don't need fixing. When we rush in with "don't cry" or "you're okay" (when they're clearly NOT okay), we're unintentionally telling our kids their internal experience is wrong. While we don't mean to do this, it teaches them to disconnect from their own feelings.

Think about that partner scenario again. When someone dismisses your emotions, what happens? You either shut down or escalate. Kids do the exact same thing—they just haven't learned to hide it as well as adults have.

The difference between supporting and rescuing is everything:

• Supporting looks like: "I see you're really upset. That must be hard."
• Rescuing sounds like: "Here, let me make it all better!"

Your actual job description is simpler than you think: Be present. Stay calm. Let them feel what they're feeling. That's it.

Why All Emotions Matter (Yes, Even the Hard Ones)

Emotions are information. They're your child's internal GPS system, providing crucial data about their world. When we rush to shut down "negative" emotions, we're essentially breaking their navigation system.

Tears and tantrums aren't the problem—they're the solution. They're how children naturally release stress and process overwhelming experiences. Block this natural process, and you're not helping; you're creating emotional constipation.

Building emotional resilience doesn't happen through avoidance—it happens through experience. You don't get stronger by avoiding heavy things; you get stronger by learning to lift them properly with good support.

When we help kids work through emotions rather than around them, we're teaching them they can handle hard things. We're building their confidence in their own emotional strength. The alternative? Helping them avoid emotions builds anxiety and teaches them they're fragile.

Supporting Big Emotions by Age

Babies (0-12 months)

What’s happening: Your baby is pure emotion with developing verbal language abilities. They communicate through crying, facial expressions, and body language, but can't yet use words to express their complex feelings. They're completely dependent on your nervous system to regulate theirs.

Your role:

• Stay calm (your baby literally borrows your calm)
• Provide comfort without always trying to "fix" what's wrong
• Remember that some crying is just processing, not a problem to solve
• Use your voice: "You're having big feelings. I'm here with you."

Not all baby cries need to be stopped. Sometimes they're downloading their day, much like how you need to vent to a friend. Your job is to be present, not to be magic.

Toddlers (1-3 years)

What's happening: Welcome to the emotional Olympics. Toddlers feel everything at maximum volume because their prefrontal cortex is under construction until age 25. They have intense emotions with limited vocabulary to express them.

Your role:

• Name it to tame it: "You're feeling frustrated that the tower fell down"
• Address aggression calmly: "I won't let you hit. You're angry. Let's find another way to show that anger."
• Provide physical comfort and presence
• Don't try to reason during a tantrum—logic and overwhelming emotions don't coexist
• Create safe space for the emotion while keeping everyone safe

What NOT to do:

• Say "you're okay" when they're obviously not
• Try to use logic or reasoning to talk them out of big feelings during a meltdown
• Rush to distract before acknowledging their feelings
• Punish the emotion (hitting and biting are communication, not defiance)

Toddler meltdowns are how little brains learn to handle big feelings.

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

What's happening: More words, but emotions are still overwhelming. They're starting to understand cause and effect but may still use their bodies to express feelings too big for words.

Your role:

• Validate first, problem-solve second: "You're really angry your friend took your toy"
• Set boundaries while honoring the feeling: "I can see you're mad. Hitting hurts. What else can we do with that angry energy?"
• Teach simple regulation strategies (deep breaths, stomping feet)
• Help them notice feelings in their body: "Where do you feel that anger?"
• Allow natural consequences while providing emotional support

Preschoolers are like emotional weather systems—intense but brief. Your job is to be their meteorologist, not their weather controller.

Elementary School (6-12 years)

What's happening: Complex social emotions emerge—embarrassment, guilt, disappointment, and the crushing injustice of life not being fair. Peer relationships start mattering more.

Your role:

• Listen more than you talk
• Ask curious questions: "Tell me more about that" instead of jumping to solutions
• Validate the emotion even if you think the situation is minor
• Help them problem-solve AFTER they've been heard
• Respect their growing need for emotional privacy

Common mistakes:

• Jumping straight to problem-solving
• Minimizing: "That's not a big deal"
• Comparing: "When I was your age..."

Puberty/Middle School (12+ years)

What's happening: Hormones have entered the chat with chaos in tow. Everything feels intense because, neurologically speaking, it IS intense.

Your role:

• Give them space but stay emotionally available
• Don't take their emotions personally
• Validate without making it about your own experience
• Respect their process—they may not want to talk immediately
• Be the calm in their storm

What to avoid:

• "This too shall pass" (minimizing)
• "I know exactly how you feel" (making it about you)
• Trying to solve everything for them

Adolescents aren't giving you a hard time—they're having a hard time.

Practical Strategies That Actually Work

Create Emotional Safety

Your calm presence is more powerful than any words in the moment. When your child is in emotional turmoil, they don't need your advice right then—they need your nervous system to help regulate theirs. The advice and problem-solving can come later, once they feel heard and supported.

Validation Scripts

• "That sounds really hard"
• "I can see why you'd feel that way"
• "Your feelings make sense to me"
• "Tell me more about that"
• "What was that like for you?"

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Notice what's NOT here: "But..." "At least..." "You should..." These are validation killers.

According to our Poppins parent coach Raelee Peirce, "Parents often think they need to have all the answers, but the most powerful thing you can offer your child during big emotions is simply witnessing their experience without trying to change it. When children feel truly seen and heard, they naturally move through their emotions more effectively."

As she also explains, "Every time we resist the urge to 'fix' our child's emotions and instead offer our calm presence, we're teaching them they can handle hard things. That's how emotional resilience is actually built."

When to Step In vs. Step Back

Step in when: Safety is at risk, they ask for help, or they're stuck in an unhelpful pattern. 

Step back when: They're processing normally (even if uncomfortable for you), they're building emotional muscles, or stepping in would prevent them from developing their own coping skills.

Learn the difference between distress and danger. Distress is uncomfortable but not harmful—danger requires immediate intervention.

When Supporting Big Emotions Feels Hard

"I Can't Stand to See Them Upset"

If you can't tolerate your child's emotions, they learn they can't tolerate them either. Your discomfort with their feelings becomes their discomfort with their feelings.

Examine your own relationship with emotions. Your emotional avoidance directly impacts your ability to support your child through theirs.

"But They're Crying Over Nothing"

It's not nothing to them. A broken cookie might seem ridiculous to you, but to your three-year-old, it represents disappointment and loss of control. Their feelings are proportional to their experience, not yours.

"This is Taking Forever"

Emotions have their own timeline. Rushing the process often makes it longer because you're adding your urgency to their overwhelm.

"Other Kids Don't Act Like This"

Every child has a different emotional intensity. Some kids are like steady streams; others are like powerful waterfalls. Both are natural expressions of temperament—they're just different.

Getting Additional Support: Working with a Poppins Parent Coach

Supporting children through big emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when you're trying to break patterns from your own childhood or navigate particularly challenging behaviors. Working with a Poppins parent coach gives you personalized strategies and real-time support for your family's unique situation.

Our parent coaches understand child development and can help you:

• Develop age-appropriate responses to your child's emotional needs
• Build your own emotional regulation skills so you can stay calm during storms
• Create family routines that prevent some emotional overwhelm
• Navigate specific challenges like bedtime battles, sibling conflicts, or school refusal
• Practice validation techniques that actually work for your child's temperament

The beauty of parent coaching is that small shifts in your approach can create significant changes in your family dynamics. You don't have to figure this out alone.

Red Flags: When to Seek Additional Support

Sometimes you need backup:

• Emotions consistently disproportionate to triggers
• Inability to function in daily life
• Self-harm or extreme aggression that doesn't respond to support
• Persistent sadness or anxiety that doesn't improve
• Your own emotional regulation is compromised

There's no shame in getting help. Sometimes love looks like knowing when you need professional support.

Taking Care of Yourself

You can't regulate your child's emotions if yours are completely dysregulated. This isn't selfish—it's essential.

Recognize your emotional triggers. What pushes your buttons? Understanding your patterns helps you respond rather than react.

Get support for your parenting journey. You don't have to figure this out alone.

Model healthy emotional expression. Let your children see you feel disappointed or frustrated, and show them how you cope with those feelings in healthy ways.

The Bottom Line

Emotions are not the enemy—they're information that helps us understand our children's inner world and needs. Your presence and validation matter more than any solution you could offer.

Building emotionally intelligent children takes patience, practice, and willingness to sit with discomfort—both theirs and yours. It means trusting your child's ability to work through difficult feelings with your support, not despite your interference.

The long-term gift? You're raising someone who doesn't fear their own emotions, who can navigate relationships with empathy and authenticity, and who knows they can handle whatever life throws at them.

Your child doesn't need you to fix their emotions. They need you to believe in their ability to feel them, process them, and grow from them. That's the kind of support that changes lives. Poppins’ parent coaching team is here to help.