The Truth About Tantrums
Tantrums are a totally normal part of development—your child isn't being difficult, they're just figuring out how to handle big emotions. Research shows 87% of children aged 18-24 months and 91% of children aged 30-36 months experience tantrums, and they can continue into the preschool and early elementary years.
Think of your child as carrying an "emotional backpack" throughout the day—filled with all the feelings, frustrations, and experiences they encounter. Tantrums and meltdowns often happen when that backpack gets too heavy to carry. Our job is to help them unpack it regularly through healthy emotional release.
Tantrums vs. Meltdowns:
- Tantrums: Goal-driven, caused by frustration or unmet needs (like wanting a cookie)
- Meltdowns: Sensory and Emotional overload—from too much noise, light, or stimulation overwhelming their brain
Both need patience, but the responses are different.
Common Tantrum Triggers
The Big 4: HALT
Unmet basic needs turn sweet toddlers into tiny firecrackers.
Other Triggers:
- Power struggles and need for independence (they want some control!)
- Struggling to communicate feelings and needs
- Transitions between activities
- Lack of daily emotional release (not enough movement, play, or outlets for big feelings)
How to Handle Tantrums
Stay Calm and Set Clear Boundaries
- Take a deep breath first; remind yourself that you are a capable, loving parent, doing your best. Giving yourself a moment isn’t stepping away from your child, it’s stepping towards your strength.
- Be firm with limits—don't give in just because there's a tantrum
- Validate feelings while holding boundaries: "I know you're mad we can't have cookies for breakfast. Dinner and then cookies."
- When your child faces disappointment, acknowledge it without immediately fixing it: "The park is closed. I see how sad that makes you." Allow them to feel the letdown—this teaches resilience and emotional processing.
- Consistency is everything
- Sometimes the best response is just being there. Too much talking or reacting can make the tantrum last longer. Stay calm, and offer connection through your presence and a gentle touch if welcomed.
Use Short, Simple Phrases
- Keep it clear and direct—their brain can't process much during a tantrum
- Avoid long explanations in the moment
Offer Choices Before a Tantrum
- Give small choices ahead of time: "Do you want the green shirt or the red one?"
- Choices during tantrums usually don't work
Use Playfulness to Break Tension
- When you notice frustration building, shift to playfulness before it escalates
- Use silly voices or gentle humor: "Those shoes are being rebellious today!"
- Try: "Your body seems like it needs to move. Let's stomp like dinosaurs!"
Replace Timeouts with Time-Ins
- Create a cozy reset space where you stay with your child
- Help them calm down instead of punishing them
- This teaches emotional regulation
Support Tears as Release
- Crying isn't something to "get through" quickly—tears of sadness and disappointment actually release stress hormones from the body
- Allow your child to cry fully without rushing to fix, distract, or stop the tears
- Stay present and validating: "You're feeling really disappointed right now"
How to Handle Meltdowns
Meltdowns need a different approach because they're caused by emotional overload, not boundary-testing. Remember: the meltdown is the healing, not the hurting. Your child needs support to move through these big emotions, not discipline.
Remove Sensory Overload
- Get them away from the noise, crowd, or bright lights immediately
- They'll often calm down fairly quickly once removed from the trigger
Regulate Before Reasoning
- Don't try to teach lessons mid-meltdown—it won't stick
- First, help calm their nervous system: slow deep breaths, comforting hug, cozy blanket, or favorite stuffed animal
- Stay close and calm—your steady presence helps them feel safe
- Use minimal words during the storm—your presence matters more than explanations
- Allow the emotional release to complete—let them cry, flail, or discharge the overwhelm safely
- Once calm, then you can talk about what happened [Raelee] if needed. Often a simple "Those were some big feelings" is enough.
Create a Calm Reset Space at Home
- Soft chair, bean bag, or pile of pillows
- Favorite comfort objects
- Noise-canceling headphones or white noise
- Visual timer or calm-down jar
- Dim lighting or fairy lights
How to Prevent Tantrums and Meltdowns
Daily Emotional Release (Prevention That Works)
Just like physical energy needs release through movement, emotional energy needs regular outlets. When children have healthy ways to "unpack their emotional backpack" daily, challenging behaviors naturally decrease.
The Five Pathways:
- Movement: Aim for 1-2 hours of outdoor play daily with vigorous physical activity (running, climbing, jumping). Movement helps discharge emotional energy before it builds to overwhelm. When you see frustration building, offer immediate movement: "Let's go run outside!" or "Want to jump on the trampoline?"
- Free Play: Protect 1-2 hours daily for child-directed, imaginative play with no adult direction. This is how children naturally process emotions and experiences. Provide simple, open-ended materials (blocks, fabric, natural objects) and resist the urge to structure their play. Play isn’t just “fun” — it’s how children process emotions, practice self-regulation, and recover from daily stressors. Independent play, in particular, builds a child’s tolerance for frustration and helps reduce the frequency and intensity of tantrums over time.
- Tears: Allow crying without rushing to fix or distract—tears release stress hormones and help your child feel better. Create emotional safety where all feelings are welcome.
- Laughter and Playfulness: Use gentle humor and silly play to break tension throughout the day. Physical play that generates laughter (gentle chase games, playful wrestling with boundaries) helps release stress.
- Meltdowns: Yes, meltdowns themselves are a form of emotional release! When children can't process emotions any other way, a full-body release through a supported meltdown helps them rebalance.
Stick to Predictable Routines
- Keep meals, naps, and bedtimes regular to avoid HALT triggers
- Use a daily routine chart or picture schedule
- Build in calm downtime after busy activities
- Schedule outdoor time and free play as non-negotiable parts of your day, especially before traditionally challenging times (after school, before dinner)
Give Warnings for Transitions
- Use clear countdowns: "Five more minutes to play, then it's bath time"
- Try visual timers (sand timer, kitchen timer)
- Use "first-then" language: "First we clean up toys, then we read a story"
Teach Emotional Words
- Label feelings throughout the day: "You look frustrated that your block tower fell"
- Use books and emotion flashcards
- Teach simple calming tricks: deep breaths, counting to ten, squeezing a pillow
Use Positive Reinforcement
- Celebrate calm moments: "I love how you took a deep breath when you were upset!"
- Be specific with praise
- Catch good behavior in the moment
When to Get Extra Support
Most tantrums are completely normal. Talk to your pediatrician or reach out to a parent coach if:
- Tantrums regularly last more than 30 minutes
- Your child consistently hurts themselves or others
- Tantrums persist daily well into elementary school
- Outbursts disrupt meals, bedtime, or daily life significantly
Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent
Your child’s big emotions can activate yours just as intensely. Supporting them starts with resourcing yourself:
- Pause before responding.
- A single deep breath or grounding touch (hand on heart, unclench your jaw, exhale) helps your nervous system stay steady.
- Separate the moment from your worth.
- Their meltdown isn’t a reflection of your parenting; it’s their brain doing the only thing it knows how to do right now.
- Name your own feelings.
- “I’m feeling flooded,” “This is overwhelming,” or “I’m frustrated” is awareness, not weakness; and it helps you regulate instead of react.
- Have a reset ritual ready for YOU.
- After a hard moment, step outside, get a sip of water, stretch, text a friend, or take two minutes alone if possible. Small resets make a big difference.
- Use compassionate self-talk.
- “This is hard, and I’m doing my best,” “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time,” or “I can come back to calm.”
- Release perfection and comparison.
- There’s no “right” way to move through big emotions; just the way that keeps you grounded enough to stay present.
Leading yourself with care doesn't just help you cope. It teaches your child, through modeling, what regulation and reilience actually look like.
Remember
Tantrums typically peak between 18 months and 3 years old, but can continue as children develop emotional regulation skills. As they grow and learn coping strategies, tantrums typically fade by age 4 or 5.
By providing regular opportunities for emotional release through movement, play, tears, and laughter, you're not just preventing challenging behaviors—you're supporting your child's lifelong emotional health.
Need help creating a custom plan? Reach out to our parent coaches.
