The Truth About Sibling Fighting
Sibling fighting is normal—not a sign you're doing something wrong. When kids argue and compete, they're actually learning important life skills like working out problems, handling big emotions, and standing up for themselves.
Fighting often signals attachment needs - children competing for their rightful place in your heart and hierarchy. The real issue isn't the conflict itself, but whether children feel secure in their attachment to you.
Your job isn't to stop all fighting. Your job is to help your kids feel so secure in their relationship with you that they don't need to fight for your attention, and to provide the structure and authority that helps them feel safe.
Why Siblings Fight
The deepest reason siblings fight is attachment alarm - when a child's attachment instincts are activated, they become desperate to secure their connection to you. This creates competition, jealousy, and aggression toward siblings who threaten their sense of being first in your heart.
Every child needs to feel:
- Loved and connected to their parents
- That they have their own special place in your heart that no one else can take
- Differentiated relationships - each child getting what THEY need from you, not equal treatment
- Secure in their place in the family
When children don't feel securely attached, they enter "alpha mode" - trying to dominate siblings to feel safe. True sibling harmony comes from YOU being the clear alpha, so children can relax into being peers with each other.
What's Normal at Different Ages
Little Kids (0-5 years)
- Big sibling feels pushed out when baby comes
- Can't use words for big feelings, so they act out
- Might go back to baby behaviors (wetting pants, baby talk)
- Hit or push because they can't say "I'm mad"
School Kids (6-12 years)
- Start comparing: "She got more!" "That's not fair!"
- Want to be good at different things than their sibling
- Care a lot about fairness and rules
Teenagers (13+ years)
- Want to be totally different from their siblings
- Fight for more freedom and privileges
How to Handle Fighting
Step 1: Stay Calm and Be the Benevolent Alpha
- Walk over to your kids
- Come in as the one in charge - calm, confident, not asking questions
- Put your hands gently on both children
- Say: "Hey guys, this isn’t working for anyone."
- Think: "How can I control or change the environment?" instead of "How do I control the kids?"
Step 2: Don't Pick Sides—See Both Children's Needs
- Your goal is to collect both children back into relationship with YOU, not to facilitate a relationship between them when they're dysregulated
- "You're both upset. I can see this is hard."
- Separate them if needed - "You're not ready to be together right now. That's okay."
- Don't try to figure out who started it
Step 3: Provide Separate Connection Time
- Take each child separately to hear their tears and frustration. They need to feel YOU understand them, not that their sibling does. Don’t try to solve it or make them reconcile when emotions are high.
Step 4: Provide Structure Once Calm
- Once both children are calm and collected with you, provide the structure they need: "Here's what we're going to do..." You decide, they don't need to figure out a solution together right now - they need YOU to provide the answer and the safety.
What NOT to do:
- Don't say "Stop fighting!" and walk away
- Don't decide who's the "bad guy"
- Don't make them say sorry
- Don't give long lectures when they're upset
When One Child Always Picks on the Other
This child is in alpha mode - they don't feel secure in their attachment to you, so they're trying to be dominant.Alpha mode is when a child acts like they're the boss - being controlling, dominating siblings, or refusing to cooperate. It's not defiance; it's insecurity. When kids don't feel a strong, loving adult is in charge, they try to take charge themselvesThe solution isn't to stop the behavior but to help this child feel they don't need to be in charge - because you are.
Talk to the picking child alone:
- "It seems like your brother/sister is really frustrating for you."
- Just listen. Don't give advice right away.
- Let them share their feelings, even if they seem mean
- Say: "I can see how hard this is for you. You're not in trouble, and you don't need to be in charge of your sibling - that's my job."
- Then say: “I'm going to make sure everyone is safe. You can always come to me with your big feelings."
For the child who gets picked on:
- Help them first when they're hurt
- Don't lecture the other child right then
- Make sure this child gets special time with you too
Daily Things That Help
Prevent Problems:
- Spend one-on-one time with each child every day - this is THE most important prevention strategy
- Create rituals where each child knows they have special time/attention that's just theirs
- Notice when they're being nice: "I saw you help your brother!"
- Have clear structure and expectations that YOU hold, not rules children enforce on each other
- Make sure kids aren't too hungry, tired, or bored
When They Have to Share:
- Never force sharing—it makes kids want to share less
- Sharing requires generosity, which only comes from a heart at rest. You can't make someone generous.
- Say: "When you're done, your sister can have a turn"
- Respect possession - the child who has it first gets to decide when they're done–possession is tied to security (“mine” means “I exist”)
- True sharing grows out of a sense of security.
What to Say in Common Situations:
- New baby: "Having a new baby is a big change. It's okay to feel confused about it."
- Competition: "You each have different things you're good at. That makes our family special."
- "It's not fair!": "Fair doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need."
Time and Space for Unstructured Play:
- Sibling relationships thrive when children have space to be themselves — both together and apart.
- Independent play helps regulate sibling dynamics by giving each child time to decompress, explore personal interests, and reset emotionally before rejoining one another.
- When siblings play side by side, they practice cooperation without pressure
- Over time, these moments evolve into genuine shared play — rooted in respect rather than rivalry.
The Attachment Solution
The real answer to sibling rivalry is securing each child's attachment to YOU:
Matchmaking: Help each child feel they have their own special relationship with you
- Different nicknames, inside jokes, special phrases
- Each child needs to feel they're irreplaceable to you
Alpha Order: You must be the clear authority so children don't compete for dominance
- When you're firmly (and warmly) in charge, children can relax
- Sibling relationships work best peer-to-peer, not alpha-to-alpha
Collecting Rituals: Build in daily moments where each child gets filled up
- Morning hellos, bedtime routines, special waves
- These don't have to be long - just consistent and meaningful
Building Good Relationships
Create fun together:
- Family game nights
- Cooking projects they can do together
- Special sibling adventures
Help them see the good in each other:
- Tell one child something nice their sibling said about them
- Point out when they help each other
Make sure each child feels special:
- Tell each child: "I'm so glad you're my kid"
- Let each child have their own interests
- Don't compare them to each other
Sibling Connection Can’t A
When to Get Help
Get support from a counselor or parent coach if:
- Fighting is getting dangerous
- One child is always mean or cruel
- You feel overwhelmed most of the time
- Nothing you try seems to help
Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent
Sibling conflict can be exhausting; you're managing your emotions as well as theirs. Staying grounded helps everyone.
- Regulate before intervening.
- One calming breath or hand on heart can reset your nervous system.
- Don’t take it personally.
- Fighting reflects their feelings, not your parenting.
- Release the pressure to “fix it fast.
- Your role is to stay calm and lead, not prevent every argument.
- Name your feelings without shame.
- Awareness like “This is overwhelming” helps you respond thoughtfully.
- Build in small resets.
- Step away for a moment, stretch, or take a quick breath after conflicts.
- Let go of comparison.
- Every family and child is different; focus on presence, not perfection.
Leading with calm, connection, and authority is easier when you take care of yourself, too.
Remember
Sibling rivalry is fundamentally an attachment problem, not a skills deficit. Children don't need to learn how to get along - they need to feel so secure in their attachment to you that they're not competing for your love and attention. When you're the clear, warm alpha and each child feels they have their own irreplaceable place in your heart, sibling harmony emerges naturally.
Need support? Reach out to our parent coaches.
