Why Kids Tune You Out
It's normal—you're not doing anything wrong. Kids process words differently than adults and are still learning to filter sounds and handle multiple pieces of information.More importantly, kids need to feel like they want to listen to us before they can follow our lead.
Common reasons:
- Too many instructions at once
- They don't feel connected to you in the moment (when the relationship feels strained, kids resist our direction)
- They're feeling nagged, not noticed
- They're mid-task or deeply focused
- They're experiencing "counterwill"—an instinctive resistance that comes up when they feel pushed or bossed around
- They're seeking connection with you and don't know how to ask for it directly
- Physiological needs aren't met. If your child is hungry, tired, or over-stimulated they may not be capable of listening at that moment.
Remember: Behavior is communication. Kids listen better when they feel connected. When kids are upset, their thinking brain shuts down—they literally can't process your words until they feel calm and safe again.
How to Get Your Child to Listen
Start with connection
- Say their name and wait for eye contact
- Get on their level (literally crouch down)
- Don't yell instructions from another room
- Collect them first—use warmth, a smile, or a gentle touch to draw them close to you emotionally before giving direction
Use short, specific commands
- "Shoes on now" beats "Can you please get your shoes on so we're not late for school again?"
- Clear, direct instructions work best
- Use a warm, confident tone—you're the calm captain of the ship, not a drill sergeant
Be in charge without being mean
- You can offer choices when it works ("Do you want to brush teeth before or after pajamas?"), but don't rely on this as your main approach
- Sometimes kids just need you to be the benevolent boss—tell them what's happening next with warmth and confidence: "It's time for shoes now. I'll help you."
Turn it into a game
- Toddlers cooperate more when pretending to be race cars or superheroes
- Make the mundane fun
- Playfulness collects children and softens their resistance—it's a wonderful way to lead
Stay consistent
- If you say five minutes, mean five minutes
- Be the grown-up they can depend on—clear, kind boundaries help kids feel secure. When you waffle, kids feel like they're in charge, which makes them anxious.
What to Say Instead of Yelling
- "I'll wait until you're ready to listen."
- "Let's try that again together."
- "I can see this is hard. I'm right here with you."
- “I'm going to help you with this."
When Connection Isn't Working
If your child consistently doesn't listen, ask yourself:
- Does my child feel deeply connected to me right now? (Have we had warm, playful time together recently?)
- Am I trying to boss them around too much instead of leading with warmth?
- Is something making them feel unsafe or stressed? (Big changes, new sibling, school struggles, etc.)
- Am I in "cool, flowing water" myself—calm and confident—or am I frustrated and tense?
The real issue is usually not about listening—it's about the relationship needing more connection or the child feeling too stressed to cooperate.
When to Worry
Flag to your pediatrician if:
- Your child doesn't respond to their name at all (by 12 months or older)
- They seem startled when approached from behind
- They ignore even loud noises consistently
- You've noticed speech or social skills going backwards
Listening flows naturally when children feel connected to us and see us as their safe, dependable compass. We can't make kids listen—but we can collect their hearts, and when we have their hearts, we have their ears.
Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent
Helping your child listen takes patience and calm- your own emotional state sets the tone. Staying grounded allows you to lead with warmth and confidence instead of frustration.
- Check your triggers: Notice when you’re tense, rushed, or frustrated so you can pause before giving instructions.
- Take breaks when needed: Step away briefly to reset your calm, especially during repeated power struggles.
- Seek support: Connect with other parents, friends, or coaches to share strategies and encouragement.
- Practice self-compassion: You won’t get it perfect every time- what matters is showing up consistently with warmth and presence.
When you care for yourself, you’re better able to create the connection your child needs to actually hear you.
Need support? Reach out to our parent coaches.
