The Truth About Big Emotions
Your job isn't to fix emotions—it's to support your child through them. Emotions aren't broken, so they don't need fixing. When we say "don't cry" or "you're okay" (when they're clearly NOT okay), we're unintentionally telling kids their feelings are wrong.
Emotions need to move through a child—they are meant to be expressed and released, not controlled or managed. When we try to stop tears or shut down frustration, we're actually preventing the natural process of emotional release that helps children return to equilibrium.
The difference between supporting and rescuing:
- Supporting: "I see you're really upset. That must be hard."
- Rescuing: "Here, let me make it all better!"
The goal isn't to make children feel better—it's to keep them close while they have their feelings. Your relationship is the container that allows emotions to safely move through them.
Your actual job: Be present. Stay calm. Let them feel what they're feeling. Collect them first—make sure they feel deeply attached to you in the moment, then provide the safe space for their feelings to unfold.
Why All Emotions Matter
Emotions are information—your child's internal GPS system. Tears and tantrums aren't the problem; they're how children naturally release stress and process overwhelming experiences.
Tears of futility are particularly important—when a child cries because they can't have something or can't make something work, they're adapting to reality. These tears help them accept what they cannot change and are essential for resilience.
Building emotional resilience happens through experience, not avoidance. When we help kids work through emotions rather than around them, we're teaching them they can handle hard things.
Children don't need to learn how to regulate themselves—they need adults who can regulate FOR them through relationships. Co-regulation always comes before self-regulation.
Supporting Big Emotions by Age
Babies (0-12 months)
- Stay calm—your baby literally borrows your calm
- Provide comfort without always trying to "fix" what's wrong
- Remember that some crying is just processing, not a problem to solve
- Use your voice: "You're having big feelings. I'm here with you."
Toddlers (1-3 years)
- Name it to tame it: "You're feeling frustrated that the tower fell down"
- Address aggression calmly: "I won't let you hit. You're angry. I won't let you hurt anyone." (Stop there—don't rush to problem-solve or redirect during the emotional storm)"
- Don't try to reason during a tantrum—logic and overwhelming emotions don't coexist
- Create safe space for the emotion while keeping everyone safe
Aggression in young children is almost always rooted in attachment alarm (when a child feels separated from their safe person) or frustration they can't express in words. The antidote is always more connection, not consequences.
What NOT to do:
- Say "you're okay" when they're obviously not
- Try to use logic during a meltdown
- Rush to distract before acknowledging their feelings
Preschoolers (3-5 years)
- Validate first, problem-solve second: "You're really angry your friend took your toy" or “You wanted the truck and your friend is still playing with it”
- Set boundaries while honoring the feeling: "I can see you're mad. Hitting hurts. I will keep everyone safe." (Then hold the boundary calmly and wait for the emotion to move through—don't ask them to problem-solve in the heat of emotion)
- Be their regulator—breathe calmly yourself, stay close, provide your calm presence. They will borrow your regulation through being close to you, not through techniques.
- In the moment, just be present AFTER the storm has passed, not during, help them notice feelings in their body: "Where did you feel that anger?"
- After emotions move through, children often seek solitude or return to play on their own. This independent play helps them re-regulate—it’s how they make sense of what just happened. Resist the urge to fill that quiet moment. Their brain is restoring balance through self-directed play.
Elementary School (6-12 years)
- Listen more than you talk
- Ask curious questions: "Tell me more about that" instead of jumping to solutions
- Validate the emotion even if you think the situation is minor
- Help them problem-solve AFTER they've been heard
Common mistakes:
- Jumping straight to problem-solving
- Minimizing: "That's not a big deal"
- Comparing: "When I was your age..."
Puberty/Middle School (12+ years)
- Give them space but stay emotionally available
- Don't take their emotions personally
- Validate without making it about your own experience
- Be the calm in their storm
What to avoid:
- "This too shall pass" (minimizing)
- "I know exactly how you feel" (making it about you)
Practical Strategies
Create emotional safety
- Your calm presence is more powerful than any words in the moment
- They don't need your advice right away—they need your nervous system to help regulate theirs
- Advice and problem-solving can come later, once they feel heard
And they need to feel that you can handle their emotions—that nothing they feel will push you away or alarm you. When you stay unruffled, you send the message: "You are safe with me, even in your biggest feelings."
Validation scripts:
- "That sounds really hard"
- "I can see why you'd feel that way"
- "Your feelings make sense to me"
- "Tell me more about that"
- "What was that like for you?"
Notice what's NOT here: "But..." "At least..." "You should..." These are validation killers.
When to step in vs. step back:
- Step in when: Safety is at risk, they ask for help, or they're stuck in an unhelpful pattern
- Step back when: They're processing normally (even if uncomfortable for you), they're building emotional muscles, or stepping in would prevent them from developing coping skills
Learn the difference between distress and danger. Distress is uncomfortable but not harmful—danger requires immediate intervention.
Time for Independent, Unstructured Play
One of the most effective ways children process emotion is through play. Play is their language—and their safest outlet for stress, frustration, fear, and excitement. When we protect time for unstructured, independent play, we give children daily opportunities to release emotions before they build into outbursts.
- You don’t have to create special “activities.”
- Just allow time and space for your child to lead, explore, and express freely through play.
- What looks like random stacking, pretending, or crashing cars is often emotional release in disguise.
When Supporting Feels Hard
"I can't stand to see them upset"
- If you can't tolerate your child's emotions, they learn they can't tolerate them either
- Your discomfort with their feelings becomes their discomfort with their feelings
This is often rooted in our own emotional history—when our tears weren't welcomed as children, we struggle to welcome our children's tears. Healing this in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
"But they're crying over nothing"
- It's not nothing to them
- A broken cookie might seem ridiculous to you, but to your toddler, it represents disappointment and loss of control
- Their feelings are proportional to their experience, not yours
"This is taking forever"
- Emotions have their own timeline
- Rushing the process often makes it longer because you're adding your urgency to their overwhelm
"Other kids don't act like this"
- Every child has a different emotional intensity
- Some kids are like steady streams; others are like powerful waterfalls
- Both are natural expressions of temperament
When to Get Help
Seek additional support when:
- When emotions won't move—If a child seems stuck in emotion, unable to cry or express feelings, or if emotions are frozen rather than flowing, this may signal an attachment issue. Children need to feel safe enough in relationships to let their emotions move.
- Emotions consistently disproportionate to triggers
- Inability to function in daily life
- Self-harm or extreme aggression that doesn't respond to support
- Persistent sadness or anxiety that doesn't improve
- Your own emotional regulation is compromised
Keep These Core Ideas
- Emotions don't need fixing
- Focus on presence over problem-solving
- Understanding that our calm regulates theirs
- Recognition that emotions have their own timeline
- The emphasis on relationship as the foundation
- Play helps emotions move
Connection is what makes emotions safe. Children can only let their big feelings out when they feel securely attached to us. Our job is to bring them close (physically or emotionally) and be their safe place while feelings move through them. When we build a simple rhythm that prioritizes both—connection first, then time for play—we create the emotional stability children need to thrive.
Taking Care of Yourself as a Parent
Supporting your child through big emotions can be intense. Staying calm and grounded helps them more than trying to “fix” their feelings.
- Notice your triggers: Be aware of what makes you anxious or reactive so you can respond calmly.
- Get support: Talk with friends, family, or other parents; you don’t have to do this alone.
- Model healthy expression: Let your child see you handle disappointment or frustration in safe ways.
- Take breaks when needed: Quiet moments, movement, or hobbies recharge your patience and presence.
Your steadiness is your child’s anchor; when you care for yourself, you care for them too.
Need support? Reach out to our parent coaches.
